Fading intuition

Last night too was no good just like previous one; I tried to read book “Steppenwolf” by Hermann Hesse, and with that came my own reflection of my living, past actions and foolishly trying to relate that.

I got this intense feeling to talk to my father, which I couldn’t; being late night, it felt like ages then somehow I was able to move the my own thoughts on myself. It was like an intuition like knowing beforehand that something is going to happen or has already happened which I am not aware of but I am getting inside feelings or like someone signaling me or intuition what we call generally. All was well though, looks like this intuition is also fading with the age.

Well, the thing is I have been living in this room as a prisoner; it has no light, no cellphone coverage let alone internet or stuff like that. It’s been over a year now living like this. The book was like my own reflection- isolated and psychotic.

So I decided to open my arms again, socialize, get active on Facebook again, staring on other peoples life and then comparing with my own, moving ahead. I already have this blog to dump all my negativity, Twitter too comes handy sometime.

I really need to create some awesomeness around me.

Something like this is planned; let’s hope it goes well to start with.

Before that I need to finish this book (the writer claimed that it was highly misunderstood, which is exciting). Meanwhile this is the fourth book I am reading written by Hermann Hesse (kind of my favorite now).

Post Diwali Thoughts.

Though I didn’t see remains of crackers outside the big black gate, I’m hoping you had a good Diwali yesterday. And yea, I expected some messages from you but there was nothing. Anyways I’m not blaming you for that; this is what I chose, no matter how much I curse myself for that, I cannot change the things the way they are now. I don’t even know if you got my gift. So helpless, all I can do is pray for you and curse the fake boyfriend soul. And I know none of these will have any impact on either life, that’s for me that one day I will have my dues.

After yesterdays Diwali post, I went through some interesting blogs some citing how Diwali celebration has changed, some saying if we should celebrate it at all and mostly were wish blogs.

One blog got my attention; the way we celebrate it today. I still remember my childhood days when we used to clean and paint our houses with clay called Kamet, and then grind some rice to make rangoli. Before making rangoli we used to mark tilak to our cows, buffalos and all pets; there was a procedure for that, first do pooja, take a steel glass, and dip the rim of that glass on wet grinded rice put that on forehead of all the pets. The circle was a mark of purity. Rangoli art called ‘Aipan’, a traditional way of designing every doorstep, nobody knows that today. It used to be like that, gifting and exchanging sweets n all, cleaning decorating organizing a small market called Mela.

There was another entry saying there is nothing called Diwali. All are myths and creation of Brahmin mind; to keep their superiority in caste system. All that Ramayan, Mahabharat, Ved, Puran are just made up stories to keep the superiority intact. Pushyamitra Sung, the king of Sung Empire was used as a weapon and Buddhism was dusted by cruel activities.

So there are so many stories, myths but as I said in my previous post- we need a reason to do something. Whatever the tradition is behind these celebrations does anyone cares? I don’t think so. Instead of traditional Dia n flowers, we buy Chinese electric garland, market has flooded with Chinese crackers. China has given us so much in recent years like no one has. They have cheap alternative of everything and we love to buy it.

Bottom line is: change is irresistible and is bound to happen. What we need is a pure heart, care for humankind respect for each other.

I think I should stop biking to office. The more I cycle, more I think about everything. Well, I should go back to work now, plenty of SLA to achieve, so many activities to cover. Till then – keep fucking everyone’s life and you fake boyfriend bastard, I know you must be having great fucking sessions but remember your life will be hell.

Wondering Soul Inside

There was this insanity came over me recently, having bird’s eye view on myself. It’s like sitting on the rooftop and notice each n every movements of everything. Days are passing just like nothing; everything is so still calm that I often hear my heartbeats. I look at my hands, shivering though; feel the skin a gentle touch on my face ignites a spark, where on earth I am going! And at the same time I wonder some years down the line where I am going to be?

Traveling on DTC buses on this humid hot Delhi’s summer when temperature is crossing 45 degree Celsius like anything as like a normal thing to happen, then walking and looking at all the bandit queens with over-sized sunglasses gives a sensation inside my heart. A sensation of loneliness, of being left out of the race and at the same time telling me that you chose this path of being like this so why regretting of your decision.

Alas! Decisions are prone to accident like this, it’s the heart who has to sync with decisions’ else everything around us will look so deserted, so out of life.

And they say broken hearts are hard to repair that too if that causes coz of your decisions! There are so many other factors too. If that soul who is experiencing the foreign land with new companion, would have taken me into consideration or would have understood me or at least would have communicated consulted with me before choosing to go away, life would have been so different for me now. Off course I would have let the soul go on and move ahead. But cruel that soul chose to travel in two boats thus as they say ‘one foot cannot stand on two boats’ life bubbled up and left herself to float with the flow. And lucky that soul got to the shore and walked out happily towards a new life with brand new partner.

But what about those boats who stood with that soul all throughout, in happy times, in tough times! But then Who cares!!

Medaram: Sammakka Saralamma Jatara

2014 Jatara dates were February 12 to 15. Its the kumbh mela of Telangana region, thousands of thousands people go there to take holy bath and make a wish. Sammakka Saralamma Jatara or Medaram Jatara begins at Medaram which is about 100 kms. from Warangal.

We started early in the 15th morning, a shared cab from home and train 17011 from Secunderabad Jn. to Kazipet, again a bus from there to Warangal.

Explored Warangal till evening 1700 hrs. and then a bus for 4 hrs. of journey to Medaram. Mela was almost closed, reached there by 2100 hrs. went straight to the temple area to find the shelter for the night. Looking and roaming around didn’t appealed much so decided to take bath, do the darshan and head back to Hyderabad.

Took bath at 2300 hrs. followed by darshan, at 0200 hrs. boarded a bus back to Warangal and from there bus to Hyderabad. At 0930 hrs. I was back to my dorm.

I was not ready for this trip halfheartedly but what you do when you get rejected by your loved one! All the time, every moment was dedicated to the past, things that I did wrong. Everybody visits God and asks for goodness but I was there to make fool of myself; no wish nothing came from inside, was just walking barefoot over the area full of coconut water and melted jaggery blocks. May be am being so stubborn or may be God knows what’s inside my heart or perhaps I don’t have anything to ask for or may be I’m too heartbroken to wish something.

Anyways here’s some snaps…

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Whisper your wish to Nandi and feel good!!!! I didn’t though! @ Thousand Pillars temple.

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@ Warangal fort..

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At top air was blowing so beautifully, sat there for almost an hour and missed every part of past.

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@ the temple. guess what is that I’m standing at? yea! melted Jaggery it is..

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Open temple. Coconut and Jaggery blocks instead of flowers.!

Nampally to Tandur Passenger Train

This was one random trip I did yesterday, exploring the local.

The journey was simple; go out and get into whatever comes first. I started from Hi-tech city local railway station and reached Nampally (Hyderabad deccan) railway station. The day ahead was simple; the local passenger train Hyderabad to Tandur 57517 was ready to depart. 03 hrs. of journey one way (fare rs. 25/-) and came back on the same train till Lingampally station and changed train MMTS to Hi-tech city. Then an auto till cyber tower, a walk to Paradise to pack mutton biryani home by 2100 hrs.

During those travelling hours I tried to read the book, ‘On the Road’ but couldn’t, was too tired to read.

One thing all the time I was thinking was; what makes a human go crazy and kills oneself, I mean why suicide? Till this day I never thought of it, for me this world has so much to offer. We will run out of time to explore all of it. The changing weather, sunrise sunsets, natural beauty, good feelings and on top of it we don’t have to any far to achieve it all! Then why there is this extreme step?

Why I had this thought is another explode untouched inside my head, but if ever one has a thought of going extreme definitely, means there was no hope from anyone anything. The world just stops, all beauty scattered, nothing suits to please and then there is this little box to confine oneself. And one fine day the ray of hope gets thinner the point of existence or self believe gets way too down to feel. Then there comes THE STEP!

I know starting a new year like this is no good! But then when you don’t have control of the situation, you head to nowhere so that the little confined box stays in dark. I am heading to nowhere everyday now! Don’t want to know what lies ahead.

Anyways; the destination Tandur is famous for marbles and stone artefacts. I could see all whitish ground and noisy stone cutting machine.

One more funny thing happened at Nampally station; all the people were standing on the foot bridge not on platforms, guess why? well yes! no one knew which platform will bring a ride to home!

Home, Sweet Home and Return.

‘You will get in time, just be on the road. And make sure you jump-in whatever comes in first’

These were the worlds of one shopkeeper, while I was enquiring about bus to Tanakpur from my place. And I got a Alto after waiting for about 15 minutes.

This was an unusual route I took to come to Delhi. There are plenty of buses from Haldwani, & two trains as well, one at morning 9 o’clock and another one is at 8:30 evening. But this time I was determined to take a full circle and travel through Champawat and Tanakpur, touching the Nepal boarder.

The route – Delhi > Haldwani > Home > Devidhura > Champawat > Tanakpur > Delhi.

Tanakpur is the last train station of meter gauge line linking Uttarakhand to UP.

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Overnight journey from Delhi to Haldwani was nothing special, just sleeping sometimes looking around in the dark. Travels are always thought provoking. Entire journey I was thinking about past, how I got Delhi and the struggle, friends college and what not.

I miss my home, but when I am there I feel uncomfortable!, why? no idea.

May be I see the struggle to survive, cultivation is the only mean to survive there. They wake up as early as 4 o’clock to finish the daily chore. Having said that, the night was not that easy. Entire night they sleep less, reason? wild animals. Potato and fruits invite wild animals too, night is perfect for them to eat so all the villagers keep awake to scare those animal. Life is not easy. My parents too have small hut in-between the fields, they sleep there in cold.  What they care is to save crops from wild animals. for whom? us, children’s? Early in the morning I see there swelling eyes due to less sleep, I feel bad.

My father serve Indian army for 17 years. I still remember those delightful days to grab all the luggage when he used to come home on leaves. 2 trunks, 3 bags and small polythene packed with all kind of food and eateries. Villagers too used to ran to our place to see him and enjoy free daru. He used to brought 2 full bucket of Contessa, rum, brandy, and what not! those were joyful days for us. But now I see his face full of worries and thoughtful eyes, I feel like crying. I too struggle here sitting in this crappy single room, unemployed, doing nothing, they are struggling too but doing so much for the family. They sleep in open air to save some food, entire day goes to feed cow, goat and do all the stuff a farmer does to keep his family happy. And at the same time to follow the societal norm. Society, whatever it is.

What father thinks?, what mother thinks? What keeps them occupied to keep up doing everyday the same? What am I doing to keep them happy? Nothing.…

Where is peace of mind today? Cities are full of noise and villages are full of struggle. Where? Where is the creature of this world? Why this world exist?

The return journey was just like that. My father said you can get anywhere you just need money whenever you are on the road. I was supposed to meet old college cum room mate in Devidhura but we both missed each other due to miscommunication. The scattered village on the route reminded me all of that and what govt. is doing for them? The roads were pathetic all the way.

Tanakpur is again a small town. The geography is same like Haldwani, planes starts from here. The railway platform was full of pilgrimage people, the Purnagiri mela was on full peak. So back to bus stand to catch a bus to Delhi. There are plenty of them, buses from all over the big town of eastern Uttarakhand routes from here.

Continued…

Searching Purpose contd…….

So after much thought, the boy was still not clear about his vision about his purpose of life. Life was going on as usual, time was running fast and he was growing old day by day minute by minute but with a question? Why and what he’s up to? 

He was never so much thoughtless helpless.

Sometimes life teaches us so many things that we wonder, how to react what to say. Clueless and unenthusiastic. We all need a vacation, not just to enjoy life, to go along the shore to open up new feelings new thought process, just to come aback and do regular stuff with much energy much soul.

There is one life who doesn’t expect anything from anyone and at the same time there is society, so called, expects a lot of innovative ideas to pull everyone in his false world. Who gets benefit? No one.! except human ego and superiority. We always have stories with us, stories of huge success, stories of exceptional valour and courage to do beyond human imagination just to show our fellow living creature that there is someone who is watching and monitoring our day to day minutes! But I say why we have such needs? Why we have become so much desperate about everything, why not just let go and smile?

I remember one incident, it was dark evening time. I ordered two boiled egg after confirming the vendor whether or not he has change of 500 bucks. He nodded hence my order. After I finished he gave me change but 10 bucks less! I handed him to recount and he agreed his mistake but… yeah, he gave me that short 10 bucks but full 100 bucks less!! Realisation came on the way and I was like smiling and laughing, not on my stupidity but what could have been his thought process?

All this desperation to live, not live to survive every day… from where it comes? What we have become? Why this world exists? What could have been the X factor behind creating this world, specially human beings? And those animals..

I know, why serious, just live and enjoy but here’s’ the catch… hates happiness so bring on some fights…….

Searching Purpose…

There was a boy, shy sometimes nervous but always cared about everyone coming on his way, no matter what. Didn’t care about his personal image or first impression or anything that catches eyes, however always thinking about others perspective while doing anything.

He plans a lot creating future plans, time table about daily routines, expenditure and investment planning just to name a few. But once plan was on paper, he lost in another plan and forgot about previous one. Life goes on and his life was going on just like that. Thinking, planning, put down on paper and forgot.

Army was always a passion, tried very hard to get into it, attempted week long tests on various locations about 6 times and failed every time. Then age! Days were passing during those attempts, remember? Anyways scattered dreams, accepted life.

After graduation a job was in mind, so got that with a little struggle walking here and there trying again and again. Once got his dream company but not a dream job, he thought of civil services so planning on books searching compiling every bit of information available on the world called ‘internet’, and taking Sunday rounds of Delhi Gate to buy books. Very soon, table n shelves were full of some fat some old books. Job was going on, money was flowing, days were passing. Then comes D day, exam was good but what the heck! nowhere on successful list of candidates? Dreams scattered again!

Upper or top level job aspirations were on dustbin, new magic called ‘IBPS’ was on air, filled and cleared first and second but again failed when it came to personality judgment. He never understood the reason though. Yup scattered dreams everywhere, here there everywhere….

Job was not so pleasant, so left at peak time when the boy was actually supposed to capitalize his hard work and ask for credits but style or nakhre, yeah you can call that, joined two levels below position in a new place, salary was above though.

And now, two months passing by, the boy is again desperate to quit that so called two levels below but good salary job and desperately wondering to get into something good, again.

But at the same time the boy looks inside to see if he finds any pleasure on whatever he was doing?

Confused!

He has a family back there, parents, a sister and brother’s family. He thinks he has to pay or it’s his duty to repay whatever his family has done to him, because of them he was sitting in a big city and earning good money. So much around him like Sister’s marriage, expectations of society, ageing parents? \

He dreams everyday, of quitting job, of taking his beloved cycle and head towards Himalayas. He thinks he will gain something on his journey. May be his fortune awaits somewhere, maybe he finds his purpose, maybe he encounters reality, maybe he finds peace, may be these bizarre thoughts stop showing up, maybe he becomes like everyone else, may be….

Holi Ride

At evening around 9 o’clock I went for a small ride, just for fun and look around. Crossed AIIMS and took roundabout towards South ex, while turning there is a small green field with a lot of balloons kind of structure, I wanted to sit there but didn’t.

Crossed Nehru Place and thought lets explore flyover, cyclist are not allowed on flyovers but there was less traffic due to Holi, no cops to catch. Flyovers are like first you go up just like climb a peak then come down to meet the rest of the crowed. I remembered one of my school teacher, who always had to say Son, struggle today do you best today so that your future will be smooth better. Everything is equal in this world. Joy and pain, good and bad, everything, so bear the pain of study today and joy would be waiting for you someday. I was relating this on todays ride how true he was!

Equilibrium is what exists in this world. The creator is great. We have build this world, we can see around us. Ups and downs, but we cannot see what life’s equilibrium is, ups and downs are?

An answer to a question.

I am fed up with a question people ask me all the time.

Why you speak less? Is there anything you want? Something happened to you?

Even I don’t have answer to this question. So many times I tried to think about it and put everything to get a response, but nothing…

First question mark is unanswered but I know about rest question marks.

There is nothing I want from anyone, not even God. If I am doing any favour to you I doing even expect a thanks. I have everything to live my life on my terms and nothing happened to me, never in past or now. I am a simple guy with small visions and character. But people never understands this, may be I need to learn that not only showcase yourself in action, have to tell everyone, yes, I did that.!

Anyways, now coming to why I speak less. A person who’s having a basic common sense or basic knowledge on human psychology would never ask such question. Because look around, you will never found two people alike?

So basically, its the culture and environment what decides a person’s attitude towards everything. All throughout my life, I have projected myself nothing different from rest of the human race and I have never lived according to the false societal norms that one has to behave like this or that, I have always lived and showcased myself whatever I am. I believe in no other but myself, I do as I learn things, may be, and actually it is that people announced me “selfish” but I am not. Whatever I have achieved so far, is all because of my hard work and analysing wrongdoings.

I don’t know the straight answer but I speak less because I like that, because I enjoy loneliness, because I get new ideas and thoughts about everything, because this is the best thing I have got, And because by talking we throw out our energy (which we would have used in creation by preserving inside) And on top of it people don’t talk bullshit around & I have full authority to choose everything.

May be someday I will get exact, scientific or philosophic answer of it and will I share then?

Definitely yes, because I will have an explanation by then!!!….