Dilli ki Sardi.

Finally; winter has spread its arms around Delhi, I can feel it early in the mornings’ when I try to foolishly convince myself to get up from the warmth of blanket; making false promises to myself that 5 min more, 1 more minute and things like that, but unable to.

And what else; nothing worth is happening, days are passing just like that and with age I am becoming more fearful, nervous about everything. Hope has vanished just like fart in the air, as they say. No curiosity, no energy left; what’s gonna happen next, I have no clue. The big ‘suicide ride plan’ is dusting somewhere in the corner; no matter how eagerly I am looking forward to it, it’s not making any sense, infact my own act, my own self is not making any sense. I just look at the skin and structure of my own hands and wonder what this is! The trembling hasn’t stopped, has increased instead. Fuck!

Yesterday we lost the cricket match. And tomorrow’s appointment at Shroff eye center for LASIK gonna make a big hole in my pocket. The finance for the dusting plan is in trouble. Two exams are coming up too, if I didn’t clear any of those life’s gonna go hell and will have to revive the dusting plan, if not.

And, I was a coward and still am, to letting you go. I can’t stop thinking about you, not even for a second.

Time Metro & Thoughts

Today, I was coming to office on Metro and looking outside of the window pane, weirdness’ came inside, let’s call it Time Metro. I related this with our lives, every station is like a phase of life or say, an opportunity to do, I don’t know, let’s say to do something, act on something so that we can proceed to a new destination. If we miss a station or opportunity, either wait for next station which is some time apart or curse yourself for not acting on the presented opportunity. The train is running like time is and outside scenery keeps changing, greeneries are good times, barren land are thinking phases, ultimate goal is to reach the destination called death.

So, on that travel path that we followed, what matters? This world is just a metro compartment. Whatever is outside that will keep changing and altering that is not in our hands, which I tried to foolishly, now that’s the only thing left I can do, look outside and do nothing.

Last Sunday was fun though, primarily coz I slept most of the time which gave me less time to think (yes, I want to avoid thinking as much as I can) and other half of the day was spent roaming around India Gate. First I went to Indira Gandhi National Center for Arts @ Janpath to witness the joys of North East. The North East Carnival Festival was on, Sunday being the second last day, the food songs paintings’ music so many bands from that part of our country, it actually was great to just sit there and watch all that. Someday, will pay a visit to that part, I promised myself.

Then small an hour walk crossing India Gate, I found myself at Purana Qila. The South Asian Bands festival was going to end today. So many bands from south Asian countries were there to perform conducted by Seher & External Affairs Ministry (annually). It started at 0600PM, Morcha, Afgani Band was first, and then next was from Maldives. Donn Bhat & group was next, the music was kind of fresh, refreshing applaud from crowed was enough to prove that. Nepali band Mukti & Revival was a bomb, the crowed really went crazy on his tunes. He was the man of night I guess.

And last band was The Success from France, I heard some tracks making my way back to the matro station Pragati Maidan.

Laptop gone.

Some bloody thief broke into my house last Saturday and stole my Dell Laptop with 1GB Seagate external hard disk. And with this I lost everything all over again, thousands of memories that I captured, so many documents I had written, compiled from different sources, all gone.

Police refused to file report; they wanted it to be written as misplaced to avoid trouble for them. But then there are ways to do that and finally I did file to avoid any misuse. I don’t expect these bloody cops to take any action on that but you – the thief- whoever you are, you did wrong. Laptop is nothing to me man, you would have asked for it I never say no buddy but I need all my data back. You broke into a miserable person to make more n more miserable and desperate.

Accepted all the grieving and I deserve it.

Post Diwali Thoughts.

Though I didn’t see remains of crackers outside the big black gate, I’m hoping you had a good Diwali yesterday. And yea, I expected some messages from you but there was nothing. Anyways I’m not blaming you for that; this is what I chose, no matter how much I curse myself for that, I cannot change the things the way they are now. I don’t even know if you got my gift. So helpless, all I can do is pray for you and curse the fake boyfriend soul. And I know none of these will have any impact on either life, that’s for me that one day I will have my dues.

After yesterdays Diwali post, I went through some interesting blogs some citing how Diwali celebration has changed, some saying if we should celebrate it at all and mostly were wish blogs.

One blog got my attention; the way we celebrate it today. I still remember my childhood days when we used to clean and paint our houses with clay called Kamet, and then grind some rice to make rangoli. Before making rangoli we used to mark tilak to our cows, buffalos and all pets; there was a procedure for that, first do pooja, take a steel glass, and dip the rim of that glass on wet grinded rice put that on forehead of all the pets. The circle was a mark of purity. Rangoli art called ‘Aipan’, a traditional way of designing every doorstep, nobody knows that today. It used to be like that, gifting and exchanging sweets n all, cleaning decorating organizing a small market called Mela.

There was another entry saying there is nothing called Diwali. All are myths and creation of Brahmin mind; to keep their superiority in caste system. All that Ramayan, Mahabharat, Ved, Puran are just made up stories to keep the superiority intact. Pushyamitra Sung, the king of Sung Empire was used as a weapon and Buddhism was dusted by cruel activities.

So there are so many stories, myths but as I said in my previous post- we need a reason to do something. Whatever the tradition is behind these celebrations does anyone cares? I don’t think so. Instead of traditional Dia n flowers, we buy Chinese electric garland, market has flooded with Chinese crackers. China has given us so much in recent years like no one has. They have cheap alternative of everything and we love to buy it.

Bottom line is: change is irresistible and is bound to happen. What we need is a pure heart, care for humankind respect for each other.

I think I should stop biking to office. The more I cycle, more I think about everything. Well, I should go back to work now, plenty of SLA to achieve, so many activities to cover. Till then – keep fucking everyone’s life and you fake boyfriend bastard, I know you must be having great fucking sessions but remember your life will be hell.

In Love with Meg Ryan!

‘…but there is dream of someone’ the dialogue and her eyes! Each time I see the movie, I fall in love with this lady. Yes, I have watched the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’ over 3 digits time by now and haven’t got bored yet. The plot, the chemistry and this lovely lady, there are so many scenes worth a tone; well I would say the entire movie is eye catching.

I haven’t seen much of her work apart of this movie and last night made me think of putting it on words, the chemistry is superb. The movie made me think again that being good always give you good returns.

The previous post of trust failure was come long back from this post here. What started there didn’t even last 6 months. I cannot blame the fake boyfriend soul entirely, no matter how much I curse, pray bad things, (and I am sure you will not have a peaceful life, the way you made me miserable and lost) fault is somewhere mine too. I was not cautious but then how could I? I was in agony; the bloody hit the right spot and bubble inside me busted like anything.

But no more; the isolation continues, I am hungry all the time, angry all the time, they say weeping heart is a curse but I have no control over it. It will heal with your misery. I am well aware of your conversations and you must be planning to stick his dick in your ass, as you dreamed before, you know.

Anyways coming back, the movie made me order a pair of headsets for myself; and a special gift basket with red roses for my love (lost one?) with XOXO gift voucher my company gifted me a long back. Hope you like it, it’s a surprise, no name, coming your way at your doorstep!!

Should not Trust any Unknown

Never trust an unknown fellow’ this is what I used to heard from elders but I always thought otherwise. If you trust somebody, you are actually giving that fellow a responsibility. In a desperate times when you share you innate desire to someone unknown and what if that someone don’t respect you and what if you in a desperate times share things; who is the culprit? You yourself and the fellow you are sharing things to?

I share things when my gut feeling says it’s worth trusting. And none of the time I was right. I was so desperately fucked up that I shared priceless private moments. The guilt of it is now so heavy on me that first time in life I googled ‘how to kill myself without pain’ and I have been thinking about it all the time. Don’t know what desperate moment will come so heavily in my head that there will be no thinking I am going to let it go.

There is no medium left to convey this to either party but I am aware of it, it’s time to pay for it, killing myself will be injustice to all the wrongs I have done. I deserve slow and painful death.

Thanks to the fellow for blindly pouring my heart out by trusting you and thanks for giving me strength to continue what I’m doing to myself. Not only me, my roots will also pay for it. It’s been a month of total isolation and will go on. Thanks for the encouragement, my wish is with you just like your fake boyfriend met his fate, I am sure you been the cause, you will not have a clean death too.

Big Eyes of Yours!!

When I close mine I see your big eyes
I shut myself where the darkness lies
I see you brighter closure than ever
Melody in my veins n my heart flies

Knock and a strange soul at the door
Witty fool flirts me on the floor
Prying! hoping to fill my empty core
Daydream? an Angel from the skies!

Her words are soft voice dries
No! my dear friend! no more cry
Just close your eyes
And let the water take you high

Vanishes then; no goodbyes
Furious me! riding on empty roads
I heard strange voices
‘Hey man! Nice bike there’ one cries

I lift my head, see men in lorries
‘Cum’on peddle before your spirit dies’
Thinking me is it? but faking smiles
Push up, only to see your big eyes.

She said: Life is Beautiful

A moment
Here this glittering lightning night
Praying amnesia; yet holding tight

Open skies green grass
Laying vexed flipping past

Its
A courage to ask for
A dream to chase for

Live…

Never let anyone say
– Life is beautiful

Freedom!!

So the flying colors’ everywhere
As we have won it in truest sense!

I see smiling faces here n there
A false proud popping out from cage
As memory encounters the day of rage
Still, the flying colors’ everywhere

‘Freedom was won’ you say and we
Possess the right to seize
That glory and piece of land is mine
I claim, go fuck out of this place

Free now; a lion you are, might urinate
Marking territory, warning not to advance
And now I smell that scent everywhere
Millennium development goals gonna seize

But then the flying colors’ everywhere
As we have won it in truest sense

This half naked kid across the drive
Smiling; puts tricolor on my cycle
Coins; and blurred eyes his began to sparkle
Whispering, giggling his clan at far gonna twinkle

The flying colors’ everywhere

I rush, pushing the wagon; an impulse to flee
I chose my ways, but dejected; yet am free?
I rush to you memories down the lane
And a false proud popped out from cage

So the flying colors’ everywhere
As we have won it in truest sense!!

Bang bang!!

It’s been long since i wrote the Shimla – Reckong Peo bus trip. I think I never felt like writing after that may be I was too content with myself or with people from virtual world around. But today again I felt like betrayed again when the companion from virtual world forgot to tell me that I have gained nothing from last 4 months togetherness.

Anyways moving ahead, past one month has been a different experience all together. Weekdays are going working as usual and weekends were like drinking n all. Last Saturday I happen to go to a Mall in Gurgaon and there are some bars or pubs, whatever you called it, along the line of PVR cinema. This was first time for me and I was surprised to see what went inside those closed big door covered by big heavyweights’ called bouncers’. Under the heavy sound of DJ and crowed and beers and drinks of different kind and dancing girls pushing the drunks away and guys struggling to stand and wet floor; it’s a different life all together.

We went inside around 2000 hrs. The entry fee is 500 bucks and you get coupons of same amount to get yourself drink or something inside. We already had a beer outside. As the night came along, the crowed too started flowing like anything. Within an hour the entire floor was packed. This was first time for me so just danced and observed things around. Saw girls bargaining; dance with them was at 500 bucks and if you wanna have some shots it was a different price starting from 1500 bucks.

Do I call that a joy? May be it is.

But one thing is sure; inside you forget the world around you and just flow with the tunes of music. You get a companion as per your pocket and there is no regret on either side. The problem is for the badass like me, I was fully drunk and couldn’t even hold myself but then when I was romancing or was trying to romancing with music’s tune closing my eyes, and and all I could see was her face her eyes and all of her nothing else. So much crowed so much to enjoy yet alone, everyone was so strange and out of life.

Another thing I saw near the place where I live; there is some lonely stretch with a park along the road, some chakke who provide some services to their clients in open under the bunch of trees. I couldn’t gain courage to ask them the price and what all included in that service.

Tough days, but wish you have a wonderful trip there. Do some bang bang there as the name says!!